We've all seen it in cartoon strips: an angel on one shoulder talking into one ear, and a devil on the other shoulder giving his perspective in the other. I sometimes think we'd all be better off if we really did have those two whispering in our ears. Why? because we have a tendency see our opportunities, our actions and their consequences from a strictly internal perspective. Few of us, if any, can stand outside and look back objectively at what we do.
For example, when you lose a deal, what do you do? Most of us look straight at quantifiable elements: "We were too expensive"; "We weren't given a budget to work to"; "The customer didn't understand us"; "The customer is friendly with the competitor". Few of us take a look in the mirror and say "I screwed up!" And, even those that do beat themselves up rarely have an objective or focused view of what might have gone wrong.
The customer, buyer or procurement manager can be equally guilty of this when they go with the wrong supplier, as is illustrated by what happened with an old family friend of ours, Brian.
Some years ago, when his father passed away, Brian inherited some land. He is a commercial pilot and had zero intention of taking up farming, so the land lay fallow for a number of years while he thought about what to do with it. A few years later, as luck would have it, the land was rezoned from agricultural to development usage, significantly increasing its value.
Brian contacted James, a local real estate agent, to assess the merits of putting the land on the market. They agreed to meet that Saturday morning so that the agent could estimate the value of the land and get the sales process in motion.
Saturday morning arrived and Brian and James met up as agreed, dragged on their boots and paraded around the rain-soaked fields. When James was satisfied he'd seen the lie of the land, he gave Brian a ball-park figure.
"Four million", he said.
After Brian had picked his jaw up off the ground, James suggested they go to a coffee shop and discuss the details
As they headed for the coffee shop Brian’s world was spinning at a rate of knots, consumed by the possibilities of what he was going to do with €4,000,000. James was almost as excited at the prospect of earning over €80,000 in commission. "Not bad for a morning's work!" he thought.
Back at the coffee shop, with the two men seated, their waitress approached.
“What can I get you gentlemen?” she enquired.
“I’ll have a pot of tea.” Brian said.
“And what will you have Sir?” the waitress asked of James.
Up to this point, James had been a sober, rather serious and businesslike type. Now, with rather camp abandon, he sang the opening bars of Gershwin's: "Tea for two, and two for tea ...."
When Brian related the incident later, everything about the performance seemed to underline why James belonged in property and not on the stage. A silence fell in the immediate vicinity, broken only by a rather grunt-like laugh from James.
Brian squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. Then, almost on a reflex, he simultaneously checked his watch and left some change on the table.
"Darn it!" I was supposed to be at my son's match 20
minutes ago! I'm so sorry James, I completely forgot."
He left hurriedly, asking James to e-mail him the details as he escaped out the door.
That was the last James ever heard from Brian and that was the closest he got to the €80,000 commission. I don't know James so I can only surmise what went through his mind. I do know however that he knew nothing about the associative 'heuristics' residing in Brian’s mind.
The term 'heuristic' describes the sort of mental shortcuts through which we process our experiences of the world through. Based on our senses and our interpretations of them, we build up a set of assumptions, thoughts and emotions that automatically trigger a response when we encounter similar circumstances. For example, price-quality is a classic heuristic. When we see two comparable items, one more expensive than the other, we might come to the conclusion that the more expensive item is of better quality. This could stem from a basic childhood experience, like getting a cheap train set for Christmas and watching it fall asunder in a matter of days while your neighbor's solid, Hornby set never seemed to run out of track. Or it could be from later experiences involving cars, clothes or holidays.
What James could not have known was that his harmless, but cheesy, sense of humor and snorting laugh reminded Brian of a Co-Pilot he had been stuck with on countless long-haul flights across the Atlantic. He had the same businesslike demeanor, which made his attempts at humor all the more cringe-inducing. In fact Brian could barely stand to be in the same room as his colleague, much less the small cockpit of a 757. Thus, James's attempt at humor triggered the same heuristic, and subsequent emotions, Brian had experienced in the company of his colleague.
So, for James, the sale was over without anyone bothering to tell him. History would have taken a different route if he had reminded Brian of someone he liked, himself for example. The lesson there is, if you're seeking business, it's worth reducing the 'peaks' in your own personality so that the prospect has a better chance of seeing the aspects of your make-up that he or she likes - what you have in common for example or, more specifically, the parts of you in which they can see themselves.
As for Brian, his behavior may not have been logical but rest assured, logic and relationships seldom go hand in hand. I’m sure Brian never analysed the logic of his actions. The chain of thoughts and actions occurred merely as a reflex, or heuristic. Instead of analysing his discomfort to try and understand it, he responded to it compulsively and exited stage left. Nature's way of saving him time and getting him away from a place he didn't need to be.
We all have a need to explain and understand the world around us at any given moment, to give ourselves control and prepare us for whatever steps we are to take next. With our behavior, however, it's not that simple.
When we look at our own behavior, or that of people we like, we take into account the possible forces that might be working against us. If we're late, it was heavy traffic or late trains. If we're under performing, it's the humid weather or a bad night's sleep. If it's someone we don't like, we unconsciously attribute the opposite: he's late, he doesn't care. He's under-performing, he's bad at his job.
Now, transpose this analysis - or in reality, prejudice - to someone we don't know, in this case James, and see what happens. As soon as the stranger or as-yet-to-be-assessed person shows traits we associate with another, the new person is tarred with the same brush. If he has an irritating laugh like a former colleague, we will find it nigh on impossible to meet him without feeling the same irritation that former colleague inspired.
The good news is that this works the other way as well. Studies show that if your demeanor reminds a prospect of their favorite uncle, he or she will subconsciously warm to you. If your accent reminds them of colleagues whose company they enjoyed, they'll respond well to positively.
This is all good to know, I hear you say. Indeed some of it is plain obvious. But what are you supposed to do with this knowledge? After all, it's a classic Catch 22. You are trying to make the right impression on someone in your first meeting with them, without knowing the first thing about what triggers their heuristic responses. And that is why I wish I had the angel and the devil on my shoulders to help me weigh people up effectively and to keep my reflex, heuristic responses in check.
In the absence of our supernatural shoulder-dwelling friends, the most useful rule of thumb is that which states: Engage your brain before you engage your mouth. Observe before you speak. Listen before you respond. Who do they admire? What values do they think highly of? What behaviours do they exhibit? Match your body language and tone to theirs. If they are the stiff, steady thoughtful type, you become the stiff steady and thoughtful type. If they behave in an energetic, animated fashion, you become energetic and animated. After all, who are we most comfortable with? People who are like us!
In the Brian/James scenario James had initially appeared somewhere between businesslike and neutral, until his attempt at singing. If he had stayed calmly on that course, observing how Brian acted and responded, he might be €80k better off. In our role as sales representatives, there are few occasions in which we are forced to demonstrate our singing talents. Those, when they occur, are probably in the safety of a Karaoke bar where everyone is letting their hair down. Unless you have an angel and a devil on your shoulders who both agree that singing, dancing and telling jokes are going to win you the contract, be careful, you’re always ‘on duty’.
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